Graham was working as a TOC (teacher on call) and unlike previous years, the calls were few & far between. We had made the decision that he would return to school in January, and EI was helping us connect week to week financially & all the necessary preparartions for Graham's return to school went off without a hitch.
Then November...
We are currently reeling from some of the most difficult months, we have ever suffered as a family. Thus the conundrum. I am a little lost in the "mist of grief" - it makes it hard to remember what of significance happened before now.
But I will try...
The beginning of November, Averie & I began our much anticipated trip to Florida to visit my good friend, Alana & her daughters & have amazing adventures together - including an overnighter to Orlando/Disneyworld & Marineland where Averie got to have a "touch & feed" encounter. She got to feed & touch a dolphin named "Sunny" and even got to be a Jr. Trainer - getting Sunny to do tricks, including flips in the air!!
Disneyworld was amazing as expected - we had fun from opening to closing & enjoyed almost everything Magic Kingdom had to offer.
This is not the first time I have had someone dear to me make this choice (see THIS post) and I was lost for a few reasons. I was so grateful to have Alana with me, but missed Graham so deeply. I was in a strange position being on vacation with Averie & not wanting to ruin that experience for her...
It was almost like an out of body experience. Somehow, I was able to squash my feelings down or push them aside during the day and "be on vacation" for Averie, but night time was awful... there were few nights that I was able to drift off before 3am. My brain was a constant slide show of memories & mental snap shots of him. There were so many great memories... how could it be over??? I was also upset because I was stuck. Repeated attempts to talk to the airline about changing my flight so I could make it to his funeral were to no avail. How could I not even have the chance to say goodbye??
Thank goodness there was a second memorial planned for the day I returned that I was able to get to. I don't know how I ever would have found closure without the time I got to spend with friends & family who cared for him as much as I did.
So, life has a way of moving ahead even when it seems it shouldn't & the days don't slow down for anyone. I entered my second trimester of pregnancy & the end of November went for my 20 weeks ultrasound. We found out we were having another girl!! SO exciting!! Evan was a little disappointed at first but he quickly got over it. She was SO active at the ultrasound - the tech had to take extra time & have me change into different positions to get all of the pictures she needed. I joked about how active she had been on the flight home from Florida - she was just tumbling around the whole time! Even though he wasn't supposed to (but didn't know it), Graham videotaped a few seconds of our time there.
On the left, Baby is curled away, you can see her back & her bum - her legs are tucked up & her hand is up by her ear.
The right is a profile - so cute with her mouth open :)
The results of the ultrasound came back saying that she was measuring small (around 18 weeks instead of 20) but this is not uncommon for me as all of my pregnancies have come back with similar results. And there wasn't much concern about it. At my OBGYN appointment, my due date was bumped from April 11th, 2010 to April 24th, 2010. We decided my c-section day would be April 21st, 2010 & all paperwork was filled out & signed to solidify the date.
I didn't think we'd ever come up with a third baby girl name, and my nature doesn't really let me relax when such decisions are to be made... so after a couple of weeks of researching & debating, we decided we would name her Makenna.
December began with it's usual busy-ness. Lots of things to do & attend. I was singing with a group of friends at a couple of church functions & we were having weekly practices. The kids' schools were having all of their Christmas functions. Lots of shopping & preparations. We were spending Christmas at my parents' place in the states, so we were preparing for that as well.
I had a regularly scheduled OBGYN appointment on the morning of Thursday, Dec.17th. I was 2 days shy of 23 weeks pregnant (based on the new dates from my ultrasound).
I was dropping Evan off at preschool & hoping it would be quick because I was going to be late for singing practice.
It was not.
After a few minutes of small talk & such with my OB, I laid back while the doctor got the doppler out to listen to Makenna's heart rate. He doesn't have much patience for the doppler since he also has ultrasound, so he quickly switched over to that. I was happy - I love ultrasounds!
After a few minutes, he asked me a simple question.
"When was the last time you felt your baby move?" I was stunned. I had to think... when did I feel her move last?? Things were so busy... I was rushing around so much... then I remembered... A distinct *bump, bump* when I laid down to go to sleep the night before.
"Last night when I went to bed"
He replied, "I am really concerned. I cannot find your baby's heartbeat. And while I am poking & prodding with the ultrasound, she is not moving."
I was in total shock. I don't think I was really comprehending what he was saying. He quickly made preparations for me to go to the hospital for a follow up ultrasound & had me make arrangements so Graham could come with me as he didn't want me going alone. By the time I left his office, he was offering his condolences & telling me how sorry he was. I was numb till I got to the van & then I started to panic.
I won't go into all of the details here... most of them are precious to my heart, and reserved for the intimate pages of my journal.
But the follow-up ultrasound confirmed what was feared by our OB - our beautiful baby girl's heart had stopped beating. There were no obvious signs of problems. No answers they could give us. I had never had so much as a pregnancy complication in any of my previous 3 pregnancies & had never had a miscarriage before.
I was admitted to the hospital late friday afternoon and induced to labor - Makenna would be the only baby I would ever deliver "naturally" as all my others were born via c-section.
After a night spent in labor, our angel arrived at 8:50am on Saturday, December 19th, 2009. They had anticipated she would weigh around 1 pound... she was only 6oz. The tiniest & yet still most perfect little thing you ever saw. We said hello & goodbye to her all at once.
There are not a lot of people who can say they have lived their worst nightmare...
I have.
Yet even in our grief, I am SO grateful for all the people who have cared for us & who we have needed to come into contact with through this living nightmare. All of the staff at the hospital, the staff at the funeral home, all of our family & friends, people who I would have considered just acquaintances before, have become great confidants & listeners... all have respected us & our daughter & have helped us so much as we head down the long path to healing.
Today has been 2 weeks since our daughter arrived. 16 days since that horrible OB appointment... They have been the hardest 16 days I have lived in a LONG time... possibly ever...
and there still have been smiles... there has been laughter... there has been a nice Christmas & New Year celebrated...
I cannot help but be grateful. For my amazing husband & the relationship we have. For my incredible children, who make me feel blessed every day. All of our family & friends... our knowledge of the plan our Heavenly Father has for us that gives us purpose & perspective, even in suffering...
Life does go on...
I ask your patience. My blog may be different for a while. You will have to forgive me while I travel down the road of grief to healing...
I didn't think we'd ever come up with a third baby girl name, and my nature doesn't really let me relax when such decisions are to be made... so after a couple of weeks of researching & debating, we decided we would name her Makenna.
December began with it's usual busy-ness. Lots of things to do & attend. I was singing with a group of friends at a couple of church functions & we were having weekly practices. The kids' schools were having all of their Christmas functions. Lots of shopping & preparations. We were spending Christmas at my parents' place in the states, so we were preparing for that as well.
I had a regularly scheduled OBGYN appointment on the morning of Thursday, Dec.17th. I was 2 days shy of 23 weeks pregnant (based on the new dates from my ultrasound).
I was dropping Evan off at preschool & hoping it would be quick because I was going to be late for singing practice.
It was not.
After a few minutes of small talk & such with my OB, I laid back while the doctor got the doppler out to listen to Makenna's heart rate. He doesn't have much patience for the doppler since he also has ultrasound, so he quickly switched over to that. I was happy - I love ultrasounds!
After a few minutes, he asked me a simple question.
"When was the last time you felt your baby move?" I was stunned. I had to think... when did I feel her move last?? Things were so busy... I was rushing around so much... then I remembered... A distinct *bump, bump* when I laid down to go to sleep the night before.
"Last night when I went to bed"
He replied, "I am really concerned. I cannot find your baby's heartbeat. And while I am poking & prodding with the ultrasound, she is not moving."
I was in total shock. I don't think I was really comprehending what he was saying. He quickly made preparations for me to go to the hospital for a follow up ultrasound & had me make arrangements so Graham could come with me as he didn't want me going alone. By the time I left his office, he was offering his condolences & telling me how sorry he was. I was numb till I got to the van & then I started to panic.
I won't go into all of the details here... most of them are precious to my heart, and reserved for the intimate pages of my journal.
But the follow-up ultrasound confirmed what was feared by our OB - our beautiful baby girl's heart had stopped beating. There were no obvious signs of problems. No answers they could give us. I had never had so much as a pregnancy complication in any of my previous 3 pregnancies & had never had a miscarriage before.
I was admitted to the hospital late friday afternoon and induced to labor - Makenna would be the only baby I would ever deliver "naturally" as all my others were born via c-section.
After a night spent in labor, our angel arrived at 8:50am on Saturday, December 19th, 2009. They had anticipated she would weigh around 1 pound... she was only 6oz. The tiniest & yet still most perfect little thing you ever saw. We said hello & goodbye to her all at once.
There are not a lot of people who can say they have lived their worst nightmare...
I have.
Yet even in our grief, I am SO grateful for all the people who have cared for us & who we have needed to come into contact with through this living nightmare. All of the staff at the hospital, the staff at the funeral home, all of our family & friends, people who I would have considered just acquaintances before, have become great confidants & listeners... all have respected us & our daughter & have helped us so much as we head down the long path to healing.
Today has been 2 weeks since our daughter arrived. 16 days since that horrible OB appointment... They have been the hardest 16 days I have lived in a LONG time... possibly ever...
and there still have been smiles... there has been laughter... there has been a nice Christmas & New Year celebrated...
I cannot help but be grateful. For my amazing husband & the relationship we have. For my incredible children, who make me feel blessed every day. All of our family & friends... our knowledge of the plan our Heavenly Father has for us that gives us purpose & perspective, even in suffering...
Life does go on...
I ask your patience. My blog may be different for a while. You will have to forgive me while I travel down the road of grief to healing...
