I.... Need.... Sleep....

“Sleep is like the unicorn - it is rumored to exist, but I doubt I will see any” - Author Unknown

It's been going on for about 2 weeks now....

As Yosemite Sam used to say: "Tha's all I can stands, I can't stands no more!"

Between Evan, who has suddenly become some kind of insomniac & Brynlea, who isn't quite sleeping through the night yet, my nights have been going something like this (NOT an exageration!):

Midnight - ish: go to bed (I know... that part's my fault - night owl, what can I say?)
1:40am: Brynlea cries - get up, go to her room; feel for her soother in the dark, find it & find her mouth in the dark; give blanket; turn on aquarium (like a mobile but way better) - go back to bed.
2am: Evan is standing by my face "Mommy, I wanna sleep in your bed."
"Fine." He climbs in the middle; I cover him... he kicks covers off, tosses & turns, then settles; I attempt to go back to sleep...
2:20am: Evan - "Mommy, I wanna go back to my bed."
"Fine - go then."
*whimper* "Carry me?"
"Fine..." I carry him back to bed, cover him, give him a kiss - bonk my head on the upper bunk making my exit. Back to bed.
2:50am: Evan is standing in my face "Mommy, I have to go pee."
He can't go on his own yet. I get up, help him with his pants, lift him onto the toilet (oh, you bet he sits... if I have any say in it, he'll sit as LONG as I can get him to!), then sit on the edge of the tub, close my eyes a little... wait till he's done; help him down, fix his pants - follow him back to bed. Cover him, give him a kiss... manage to avoid bonking my head, but whack my arm off the door knob as I leave their room... Back in my bed.
3:25am: Brynlea cries - get up, go to her room; feel for soother in the dark, find it & find her mouth in the dark; give blanket; turn on aquarium (I am trying to wean her of night feeding) - go back to bed.
3:50am: Evan calls out!! "Mommy! I need my blanket!!" Fear of him waking the others makes me leap out of bed - lose my equilibrium - almost fall over - stub my toe on the eliptical trainer... head into their room, step full weight on a some dumb piece of polly pocket or something - try not to cry out - fix Evan's blanket - TRY to explain that he needs sleep - "Please go to sleep Evan" - give a kiss - bonk head on upper bunk - back to bed.
4:30am: Evan is standing by my face "Mommy, I wanna sleep in your bed."
"Evan!" he whimpers
"I scared"
"Fine." He climbs in the middle; I cover him... he kicks covers off tosses & turns, then settles; I attempt to go back to sleep...
5am: I wake realizing I am almost falling off the bed - I'm teetering on the edge & have a little knee in my back. "Graham!" I whisper.
"huh?"
"Can you pull Evan to the center of the bed?" No response.
"Graham!"
"huh?"
"Please pull Evan closer to you!" He gently pulls Evan over who stirs, rolls over & resettles.
5:40am: Evan - "Mommy, I wanna go back to my bed."
I push Graham's shoulder, "huh?" he says.
"Please take Evan back to bed." No response. "Graham!"
"Huh?"
"Take Evan back to bed , please." He sits up.
Evan says, "Carry me." Graham tries to navigate the dark room, with Evan in his arms & no glasses on. Stubs his toe on the eliptical. Climbs back into bed 30 seconds later.
6am: Brynlea cries - debate about getting up & making her a bottle; decide to give it one more try - get up, go to her room; feel for soother in the dark, find it & find her mouth in the dark; give blanket; turn on aquarium - go back to bed.
6:35am: Brynlea cries - she's had enough. I go get her & take her downstairs; make a bottle, grab a diaper. Sit in the rocking chair with her & doze while she drinks the bottle. When it's done, I lay her on the ottoman & change her diaper. Take her back to bed, feel for soother in the dark, find it & find her mouth in the dark; give blanket; turn on aquarium - go back to bed.
6:50am: Graham's alarm goes off. He gets in the shower.
7:15am: Averie is in my face, "Good morning, Mommy. I'm hungry."

And the day begins.

Evan then sleeps in until 8:30am or later.

This is NOT working for me. I am woken up somewhere between 6-10 times a night between 1:30am - 7am. Kill me now!!

It's actually worse than it was when Brynlea was newborn!!

I have started a sticker chart. Every night that Evan stays in bed, he gets a sticker. After 2 weeks he gets a package I was saving for Christmas (I may not MAKE it to Christmas if this keeps up!). It contains 2 wooden Thomas the Tank Engine trains & 2 Thomas DVDs. If you don't know why this is significant see HERE & HERE)

He was all fired up before he went to bed about it.

Wish me luck!!

Off to bed I go...

Remembering

Today is a strange day for me...

September 29th... specifically Sept.29, 1992.

I was 16 years old - right at the beginning of Grade 11...

my entire world changed in an instant. No, not my whole world - the way I THOUGHT about my world... changed forever.

At approximately 7:45am, my best friend killed himself.

I will spare you the details. I don't wish to go back to that day, in my mind or elsewhere... I have worked through so much about it over the years, but that day was so awful - a nightmare in waking hours - I want only the good memories now.

This day doesn't have the sharp edges it once had. I used to know it was coming & dread it completely. It usually meant a sleepless night... lots of tears... but slowly the pain has subsided.

Some years since, I may be even most of the way through the day before I realize it. A couple of times I woke up the next day & realized I missed it - or rather the significance of it.

Today it affects me for a different reason - today is the 16th anniversary of his death...

He was 16 when he died.

He has officially been dead for as long as he was alive.

It's a strange realization.

While I would NEVER wish to be asked to endure anything like it again, I learned a lot from the experience. Firstly, that I could survive such a loss. I never would have thought it.

* At the time my friend took his life, I was not speaking to him. Our relationship was complicated, like many of the relationships with the title "Guy Best Friend" in my life have been (& there's been quite a few). In my later years, I've discovered more about guys than I knew at 16 & have discovered that guys rarely devote the kind of time he did to me unless their feelings are deeper. At 16 I was naive & oblivious. We had gotten into some silly little argument a few weeks before. While I was entitled to be hurt by what had transpired, I had not matured enough to know how unproductive the "silent treatment" is in resolving any conflict.

He had repeatedly tried to stop me in the hallways at school - had even driven alongside me in his car as I walked home from school, begging me to get in so we could talk - I had stubbornly refused.

It was what made healing from losing him the MOST difficult. I had WASTED my last weeks with him. Then of course there is the guilt - I was his best friend & he OBVIOUSLY needed me - I let my bruised ego take over - could I have contributed to his devastating choice?? This was one of the hardest issues for me to resolve within myself. Sometimes I'm still not entirely sure I'm okay about it.

But this I know... I have tried not to use the silent treatment or hold grudges since. It is NOT worth it.

* As with most cases of teen suicide, his final successful attempt at taking his life was not his first attempt. I knew of 2 other attempts he had made in the months prior to his death - maybe there were more....

But each time he was like a new person - so much intent & purpose - so regretting what he had almost done & promising to NEVER do anything like it again. The "Best Friend" Code meant this was TOP SECRET info. Parents were the enemy after all....

This is my next biggest regret. If I had my time back, I would have gone to his parents IMMEDIATELY after his first attempt. Even if it meant he would have hated me forever. That would have been easier than losing him. Perspectives change...


I went looking for a picture of him before doing this post. I have a scrapbook of memories of my time with him - as well as my journal from the first year after losing him. I couldn't find it. I've packed it away somewhere.
I did find a few pictures on their own though - I have painfully few. It is one of the things that led to my becoming a photographer. You don't get to be someone I'm close to now without having your picture taken :)

I wonder what would have happened to us if our friendship had been allowed to mature to adulthood. Would we have remained close? I have precious few friends from high school that I'm still close with, but he was in that group... I like to think we would have, but no way to know...

Yet he is burned into my heart forever...

Losing him made him more important in the course of my life - than possibly even having him would have been...

It solidified my knowledge of life after death. My religion has many teachings about the subject that I had learned pretty much since birth. But with the loss of my dear friend... believing wasn't enough anymore... I had to KNOW. The years of soul searching following his death helped me to come to a knowledge of truth.

I also came to know that Christ suffered ALL of our afflictions for each of us:

10 And behold, he shall be born of Mary, at Jerusalem which is the land of our forefathers, she being a virgin, a precious and chosen vessel, who shall be overshadowed and conceive by the power of the Holy Ghost, and bring forth a son, yea, even the Son of God.

11 And he shall go forth, suffering pains and afflictions and temptations of every kind; and this that the word might be fulfilled which saith he will take upon him the pains and the sicknesses of his people.

12 And he will take upon him death, that he may loose the bands of death which bind his people; and he will take upon him their infirmities, that his bowels may be filled with mercy, according to the flesh, that he may know according to the flesh how to succor his people according to their infirmities.(Book of Mormon: Alma 7:10-12)

And that He was the only one that could help me heal.

And He has.

I can hardly believe it has been 16 years.

And you know... even after 16 years...
the smell of Obsession (for men) & a leather jacket - takes me right back into one of his hugs... like I had one yesterday. Funny how much smells can do that.

These were taken about a year before he died... we were 15.

Chadwick "Chad" Guy Longman
January 18, 1976 - September 29, 1992

Domestic Goddess!!

That's me today!

I have officially forged into an area I feared to go... well, on my own anyway. I did canning.

A few years ago, my mother in law graciously helped me can pears, peaches & pickles. I LOVED having the canned food available, but it was a HUGE undertaking & didn't help me to feel less intimidated to do it myself.

With Brynlea starting to eat solids, the idea of being able to give her something that I KNOW what is in it, is very appealing.

My Mom did lots of canning when we were kids as my Dad has a pretty green thumb & we always had a decent garden & fruit trees in our yard. I remember lots of jams, peaches, pears, applesauce... enough to warrant large shelves to contain it all.

Even now they have an asian pear tree & make a WONDERFUL "pear sauce" with the fruit. For those who haven't seen an asian pear, they are also called an "apple pear" - have the shape & texture of an apple with the taste & sweetness of a pear. The pear sauce is very similar to apple sauce except that because the fruit is naturally sweeter than apples, it requires almost NO added sugar. A big bonus!!

I have a friend I met as a fellow Mom through Averie's preschool last year. She runs a wholesale nursery & has a small acreage with a few large greenhouses. Averie's school went to her nursery last year on a field trip & while we were there, she had mentioned that her next door neighbor has a small orchard (about a dozen different types of apple & pear trees - including an asian pear tree!) that he grew just for fun, but now that he is aging & ill (he is on dialysis now), the fruit just goes to waste. He had told her she was welcome to anything she wanted.

This triggered in my memory a few weeks ago & I dropped her a line. The kids & I headed over to her place about a week ago to check it out & were able to come home with a box of asian pears. Woohoo!! The rest of the fruit was still a couple weeks from being ready.

So, now I have the fruit.

I went to Superstore last night & they were clearing out some mason jars. Little ones but perfect for what I want them for - and they were $1.98 for a dozen!!

So this afternoon I finally got to it. I really didn't want that fruit to be wasted!

Some of the pears - I forgot to get a picture of the full box, but you get the idea. Me completing the most painstaking & tedious part... peeling & coring.

Ready to go in the pot!


Hey! That looks like REAL applesauce!!


It IS real applesauce!! Yay, me!

And I figured out that thanks to my friend & her generous neighbor (& clearance sale at Superstore) - I made SIX jars of no sugar added, organic pear sauce for... wait for it...
$1!!

Oh, & I couldn't make the house smell like heavenly apples & cinnamon without something we could enjoy right away...

Asian pear Crisp!! Yummm...


Brynlea enjoying a couple little tastes of ice cream... when her mouth opens THAT wide it means, "Me LIKEY!!" LOL

Boogie on Down!

Evan's preschool on Thursday had the opportunity to go on a field trip to a free concert by childrens entertainer, Charlotte Diamond. I was able to bring all my kids & it was SO great!

Waiting for the show to start, we ran into some of Averie's preschool friends from last year & Evan's drop-in friends... Connor, Kate & Brooklyn.

Averie & Evan getting 2 of their "Four Hugs A Day" - one of her songs


Averie & Brooklyn

Averie BEGGED me to let her follow the other kids up onto the stage, but I wasn't sure if they were supposed to. I finally relented & she made her way up there. Charlotte started handing out these little instruments & Averie got one, then she told all the kids without instruments to go down off the stage & she started to sing La Bamba. So there's Averie with her little maraca, or whatever dancing away RIGHT in front of her!
I got a video clip of it & the another of the kids dancing away. They had such a great time!
Sorry for the poor quality, I only had my still camera with me, but it does video clips. Watch for Averie, she was already in her uniform for school as we had to go straight from the concert to drop her off at school. She's hard to miss!

After the show, Charlotte very graciously posed for pictures with any kids that wanted & gave them little autographed cards. SO fun!

The Girl Disease

After reading a friend's blog this morning, I feel the need, out of love & concern for her & all my girlfriends, to vent somewhat.

She has 3 little ones & is in the process of a divorce after her husband was unfaithful. I respectfully (I hope you don't mind!) copy her words (though with editing to hide her identity better):

I have a pretty smart sister. Once.. I think it was last week.. we were on the phone, catching up and talking like we do.

L: Do you think it's possible that we teach people how to treat us?
Me: NO!! At least, I hope we don't. I don't think I taught (C) to treat me like he did. I don't think so, no.

And we dropped the conversation.

Fast forward to last night, when (C) and I were chatting. We talked about the way we were, what went wrong-- the inevitable talks that really don't help in any way. But, it's kinda cathartic, so I subject myself to it willingly.

We spoke of morals, of guilt, of learning from mistakes.. And then, I had an A-HA moment. I DID treat (C) how to treat me.

Here's why:
When we were dating, he cheated on me once. We were dating, he felt that I was leaving him since I was moving to another province, and cheated. I'm the ONLY person he's ever cheated on. When he told me, we talked a long time about it. What it meant to the 'US', what it meant to him and me personally. I told him about (B), the only boyfriend I cheated on. I told him how much it broke my heart to have done that to him, and how it was the biggest mistake I ever made. How, in that moment, I wished (B) would have forgiven me and given me a second chance. He didn't. I vowed to NEVER cheat again, and vowed that, if it so be the case, I would forgive someone who cheats on me. But only once.

Maybe that's dumb to you. But I know what I felt being on the other end, and knew that I wanted to never make someone feel that way.

BUT...

By (B) not forgiving me, he helped me. He showed me that it's not okay. That he deserved better. And I learned that I NEVER wanted to do that again. And I never have.

I robbed (C) of that experience by forgiving him the first time. I TAUGHT him that it's okay to do that to me, because it was okay the first time. I taught him that. I sat there, telling him about this lightbulb moment, and we fell silent in thought, looking at each other. I taught him that it was okay to treat me like that.

THIS is what I refer to as the "Girl Disease".

Don't get me wrong, I absolutely believe in forgiveness. Without it there can be no healing. BUT I think we have also confused the definition of forgiveness. You can forgive someone without allowing them the continued access to hurt again.

The problem is two fold:
1) Self-esteem: we either don't believe we deserve better, or we simply don't know WHAT we deserve because we don't take the time to KNOW ourselves (our boundaries, etc) before we begin letting people get close to us. Where they can really hurt us. I am not just talking about boys here either - all of us can think back to that manipulative girlfriend in grade school or high school that taught us if we wanted friends, we needed to just follow the status quo. Better not demand anything of other people, or I will end up on the losing end. Never - "I will make new & better friends". Why doesn't THAT thought enter our heads??
2) We don't understand that we TEACH people who have access to us this way by our actions (& OUR IN-ACTIONS!) how they are allowed to treat us!! This does NOT mean that it is OK for people to treat us badly - they are still wrong for that. The person who trusted & was hurt IS never wrong for having trusted - the person who broke the trust is definitely at fault. HOWEVER, there is the old saying, "Fool me once shame on you, fool me twice, shame on me." And this adage says a LOT. We are here to LEARN lessons... lessons not learned are doomed to be repeated UNTIL learned. Therefore, a cheater is a cheater because s/he is ALLOWED to do it!! Human beings DO eventually stop banging their head against the proverbial brick wall & long as THEY KEEP HITTING IT!
We will continue to be mistreated by people we let close to us unless we learn to ESTABLISH and MAINTAIN boundaries!! There are "deal breakers" - choices that are character changing & make us (or those we love) fundamentally different people than the ones we fell in love with.

Obviously, each situation is different. In my friends case, I know her FAR better than her husband, so my loyalties, of course, lie with her.
I do fear for her though. She & her ex have established GREAT boundaries now. They have even managed to maintain a friendship which is SO healthy for her children. I fear if she were to give her husband another chance it would in essence be the "nail in the coffin" of her ability to set & maintain boundaries with him. He will have been taught that there is NOTHING he can't get her back from... even filing for divorce.

And the next hurt (which undoubtedly would come, it is what he has learned, after all) would be HORRIBLY traumatic. It would most likely make her hate him - therefore, making a cohesive relationship for their children near impossible & make her that much more "damaged" for trying to find love from someone who would wish to treat her so much better.

This post is not JUST about this friend. I have SO many girlfriends in relationships like this with husbands, boyfriends, GIRLfriends, sisters, parents, parents-in-laws.... etc etc.

We have to learn to open our mouths, Girls!! Healthy relationships come from healthy boundaries. Is it possible to implement boudaries in a relationship that is out of control? Or repair one where boundaries have been broken? I honestly don't know. I have never been successful at it. Goodness knows I've tried. I've clung onto relationships that were never really very good for either person involved... not sure why... no one wants to be alone I guess.

But one thing I KNOW...
The fear of being alone is WAY worse than the STATE of being alone. When we know ourselves... our worth, not just because we are great people, but because we are children of God.... when we TRULY know this; then it only seems right to expect more of the people we let into our hearts.

I'm eager to hear your opinions on the subject :)

It's Always About food...

I'm starting to notice an unintentional "theme" to my blog... it should change before too long :)

While I have been obsessing about getting LESS food into me, my little baby has turned 6 months old this week (I can't believe it!!) & we have delved into the world of solid food with her.

It was interesting how it came about as I can remember being very eager for my other 2 to start solids... both of them had *attempted* rice cereal by around 5 months.

I think it may have been my desperation to get some more sleep making me eager :) By number 3, you forget what a full night's sleep was like - the desperation fades.

I knew 6 months was approaching... I had picked up a box of rice cereal at the store a couple weeks ago, but just didn't feel that "push" - you know?

So, we were visiting at my cousin's place one afternoon last week while Averie was in school. She has a daughter just 6 weeks older than Brynlea & a son Evan's age. The boys have fun together when we visit.

She had prepared lunch for her kids & I was sitting beside her 4 year old at the table & holding Brynlea. She suddenly was going crazy for the food! Whining, trying to grab the spoon - put her hand in the bowl... she had never done that before!

My cousin kindly offers us some of the cereal her baby has been enjoying. She probably thought,"Geez, Lady. Quit starving your baby!" lol

I offered the cereal to Brynlea & she DOWNED it!! Ate the whole thing. Hardly any of it came back out - she was DEFINITELY ready.

So, we have started giving her one meal a day & so far, so good. She has only had Oatmeal, Rice cereal & pureed peaches. The peaches were a little tart for her I think :)

Here's a video clip:

Day 3 - Made a BIG Mistake

I have spent the last 3 days (well, 2 & a bit) in the worst part of the sugar withdrawal. Pretty sure I'm over the worst of it now. I will begin the exercise part of my plan on Monday... once the "drags" of withdrawal have subsided a bit.

To give you a better idea of what I deal with EVERY time I attempt this type of thing (unless I'm pregnant). Here is a write up of my last couple days:

Day 1:
Breakfast - low-carb shake blended with 6 frozen strawberries & half a cup of ice.
Lunch - see breakfast
Dinner - not the BEST choice - we had pizza, but I only had 1 1/2 pieces & a glass of diet pop.

I was extra careful to take my multi vitamin & Omega-3 supplement (suppose to help with IR).
My symptoms were: a sense of "dragging" all day - sort of that feeling like when you are coming down with something; the brain fires the signals for the action, but the body is just a split second behind in reacting. I was on the edge of a headache all day, but it didn't really turn into one... and CRABBY!!

Day 2:
Breakfast & Lunch same as Day 1
Dinner - we had the missionaries from our church over - did Hamburgers on the BBQ - I had 1. Brownies & ice cream for dessert - had VERY small portion.

I actually GOT the headache. Battled it all day. Same dragging feeling, though with moments of relief. The cravings have kicked in now. ALL I can think about is food. Namely, BAD food... slurpees, Frosty's, chocolate, french fries... but I went to Costco for some much needed groceries & didn't buy ANYTHING bad (except ice cream - see dinner above)... even got some chicken strips & fries for my kids & didn't sneak ANY. What a good girl :)

Day 3 - Today.
Got up this morning & made the BIG mistake.

I stepped on the scale.

I know this is unwise in the first weeks from past experience as my body goes into starvation mode & does some wonky things - I was still unprepared for what I saw...

I GAINED 3lbs.

HOW IS THAT POSSIBLE?!

So now I really am in a bad way. I totally want to give up.

The only thing keeping me going is that I have a doctors appointment on Tuesday & this is all fuel to give him as to why the super simplistic answer of "diet & exercise" just isn't good enough.

So, the battle rages on.

This sucks.

Day 1 - Bring on the sugar withdrawal

So, keeping in mind that I am in a bit of a "detoxing stupor" & therefore, not thinking completely clearly. (I wish I was joking when I say this, but coming off sugar is very brutal for me)

I am beyond frustrated at news heard today on the radio. You will learn, if you haven't by now, that for me frustration = VENT!

I have spent much time researching my condition... reading, internet (University of Google), talking to people, etc... I spent a few hours yesterday following doing my blog entry & discovered that a medication my Mom is currently taking for Type 2 diabetes (Byetta) is being used (on a test basis) with wide success for pre-diabetes in the states - even though it is only technically approved by the FDA for treating full blown diabetes. It helps those with insulin resistance lose weight, which is EXTREMELY difficult to do otherwise...
(On a sidenote - to give an idea of what losing weight with insulin resistance is like): I read a blog yesterday of a woman with very aggressive insulin resistance, who has to eat less than a 1000 calories a day in order to not GAIN weight! - she doesn't lose any weight, it just helps her not GAIN any - she eats NO fruit & very rarely whole grains - never any refined sugar & she is still 40lbs overweight & eats almost nothing to keep from gaining more - AAAAAAAH!)

... sorry. Back to my point. Losing weight with IR is extremely hard but is also essential to prevent the onset of full blown diabetes. Byetta is looking like a very promising option. It is not available in Canada YET... it's been on the market in the US since 2005. What is the freaking hold-up?!?!

THEN, I happen to be driving Averie to school today & hear a quick snippet about THIS report on the radio. I immediately came home & found the same article... for your viewing pleasure:

Early detection key to avoiding diabetes, new guide stresses

Last Updated: Thursday, September 18, 2008 | 2:58 PM ET Comments5Recommend18

CBC News

In prediabetes, blood glucose levels are near but not quite at the level that defines diabetes.

Up to six million Canadians have prediabetes that increases their risk of developing Type 2 diabetes and its complications, the Canadian Diabetes Association said Thursday in releasing new guidelines for doctors.

The guidelines stress the importance of identifying those who are at high risk for developing Type 2 diabetes, given its links to heart disease and premature death from heart attacks.

"Research has shown that long-term damage to the body, especially the heart and circulatory system, may already be occurring before a diabetes diagnosis," said Ellen Malcolmson, president and CEO of the association.

"The good news is that for those at risk of Type 2 diabetes, a diagnosis may be prevented if the warning signs are identified early."

Prediabetes refers to impaired glucose tolerance — blood glucose levels that are near but not quite at the level that defines diabetes.

If left untreated, about one quarter of people with prediabetes will go on to have diabetes within three to five years, according to the U.S. Centers for Disease Control.

People with prediabetes need to make lifestyle changes and may need to start taking medications to prevent the onset of diabetes, said Dr. Gillian Booth, methods chair of the committee that prepared the updated guidelines.

Studies have shown that moderate weight loss and regular exercise can delay the onset of Type 2 diabetes by up to 58 per cent.

The 2008 guidelines include revised recommendations for caring for people living with diabetes, as well preventative steps.

More than 2.4 million Canadians have full-blown diabetes, and up to 80 per cent of them will die from heart disease, the association said. Canadians adults with diabetes are twice as likely to die prematurely compared to people without the disease.

For people with diabetes, the guidelines recommend:

• Achieving tight control of blood pressure and cholesterol to reduce complications of heart disease and stroke.
• Improving self-management by increasing physical activity including both aerobic and resistance exercises, along with better nutrition and weight control.
• Reducing saturated fat to no more than seven per cent of daily energy and keeping trans fat intake to a minimum.

Diabetes is a contributing factor in the deaths of approximately 45,000 Canadians each year. Diabetes and its complications cost the Canadian health-care system an estimated $13.2 billion a year, according to the association.

So, basically we have one group saying prevent, prevent... the other group who approves medication saying wait & see... and ME in the middle feeling like a frigging ticking time bomb.

I have begun the process but am FILLED with dread. I cannot feel like a failure in this area AGAIN! I just don't think my damaged psyche can take another blow. It SO makes me not even want to try!... but I will. I must.

I've made a doctor's appointment to discuss some of my options. This also fills me with dread. I love my doctor... but I can't tell you how sick I am of hearing "diet & exercise" when I know I LOOK like I'm just some lazy oinker & I AM NOT! I see people HALF my size eating WAY more than me & way worse things. It is beyond frustrating.

Okay... once again - I am detoxing. I just *may* be a smidge on the moody side ;)

Thanks for reading my vent.

Forgot to mention...

I forgot to mention in my post yesterday... it is also essential for me to lose weight so I can at least delay the onset of type 2 diabetes. I hate to admit that, honestly for me, my body image is still the number one reason I want to lose weight, but my health is a close second :)

Here we go again...

Okay, if any of you who follow this blog, love me at all, this post will be followed with TONNES of fantastically encouraging comments. I NEED you!! Since I am going to be sharing things I have a REALLY hard time talking about...

Let me start with this....
I am Insulin Resistant (also known as metabolic syndrome). My diagnosis of this condition is a relatively new development. It happened during my pregnancy with Brynlea. While most people find diagnosis of an incurable (though FAR from debilitating) disorder disheartening... I was ELATED!

Let me explain why... the symptoms that I get include:
#1 - Gestational Diabetes - EVERY pregnancy. I don't even know HOW to be pregnant AND eat sugar... has never happened. It has always been diet controlled, so at least no insulin, but all that finger poking. Ugh. I do feel REALLY good when I'm pregnant though (see #2)

#2 - Bonus from number one - I LOSE weight when I am pregnant. Literally. I usually lose about 10lbs in the first trimester (due to sickness, lack of appetite, stopping eating sugar, etc) & then do not gain ONE pound for the duration of the rest of it... no joking! My prenatal medical files are hilarious! My weight is EXACTLY the same at every appointment. It's a pretty bizarre thing actually... as my belly gets bigger, the rest of me (face, neck, arms, butt) gets skinnier. When I was pregnant with Evan (this may be partly because I heard you burn 10% more calories when pregnant with a boy), one week after he was born, I was THIRTY pounds lighter than I was at my first doctor's appointment when I found out I was pregnant with him.
There are 2 reasons for this:
a) I stop eating sugar. Insulin Resistance is a pre-cursor to type 2 diabetes (it is even called "pre-diabetes" sometimes) so the REALLY short answer is that my body does NOT process glucose properly. For some reason this sacrifice is VERY easy to make when it means the health of my unborn child... when it's just for MY health? Not so much.
b) My metabolism is pretty much non-exsistant. Having 2 people (no matter how small the 2nd is) using the same calories, forces my body to burn calories more efficiently.

#3 - When I am NOT pregnant it is near IMPOSSIBLE for me to lose weight. In fact, I gain weight at a ridiculous pace as soon as baby is born. Part of this is my fault, as I have not yet been able to maintain the "not eating sugar" part of everything when I am not pregnant. The other part is that my metabolism is, well just plain hooped. Let me give you the scenario my diabetic nutritionist gave me:
Say I go on weight watchers & am allowed 1400 calories. I would pretty quickly lose about 5, maybe even 10lbs, but my metabolism would go into "starvation mode" & just keep slowing & slowing until I stopped losing weight - even when I am only eating 1400 calories!! THEN if I happened to have a bad day & eat 1600 calories (STILL under what the average person needs), my body would GRAB onto those extra calories & I would immediately GAIN 2lbs! Even though I was still only eating 1600 calories!!
Now maybe you understand my elation! Imagine how many times I have been on weight watchers with friends, while they all achieved their goals, & I got stuck after 10lbs! Or that summer I worked out FIVE days a week & never lost a SINGLE pound. I actually started to think I was going INSANE! This diagnosis at least gave me something I can work with!

Here are the symptoms as copied from Wikipedia:

1. Fatigue.
2. Brain fogginess and inability to focus. Sometimes the fatigue is physical, but often it is mental. (I get both)
   
3. Low blood sugar. Mild, brief periods of low blood sugar are normal during the day, especially if meals are not eaten on a regular schedule; they are normally raised by mobilization of glucose into the blood from stored glycogen made from blood glucose previously taken by liver cells. Feeling agitated, jittery, moody, nauseous, or having a headache is common in insulin resistance, commonly with rapid relief once food is eaten.
4. Intestinal bloating. Most intestinal gas is produced from carbohydrates in the diet. Insulin resistance sufferers who eat carbohydrates sometimes suffer from gas.
5. Sleepiness. Many people with insulin resistance get sleepy immediately after eating a meal containing more than 20% or 30% carbohydrates.
6. Weight gain, fat storage, difficulty losing weight. For most people, too much weight is too much fat. The fat in IR is generally stored in and around abdominal organs in both males and females. It is currently suspected that hormonal effects from such fat are a precipitating cause of insulin resistance.
7. Increased blood triglyceride levels.
8. Increased blood pressure. Many people with hypertension are either diabetic or pre-diabetic and have elevated insulin levels due to insulin resistance. One of insulin's effects is on arterial walls throughout the body. (I do not have this one - I actually have naturally LOW blood pressure)
   
9. Depression. Because of the deranged metabolism resulting from insulin resistance, psychological effects are not uncommon. Depression is said to be the prevalent psychological symptom.

So, now that you have your education let me continue :)

Brynlea will be 6 months old on saturday. I have packed it in with nursing (the mind is willing - but the body just ISN'T cooperating this time) & I got up the guts to step on the scale this morning. I am back to my pre-pregnancy weight. For most people, this is a good thing. For me? It means I've GAINED back the 20+ pounds I lost during my pregnancy with her. This also means I am back to my record HIGHEST weight. No, I can't go so far as to actually disclose it. I can hardly STOMACHE it!

And so I am embarking on yet another attempt to get back to my once spunky, svelt self. I do at least have a better idea of what will work (no shortcuts for me), but now to get the motivation.
I have an intense battle to fight... primarily against the above #s - 1,2,5 & 9 - how do I get motivated with all these strikes against me?!

SO I am going to try & use this as an outlet for frustration, an anvenue for praising my successes & overall to get SUPPORT!!

I am begging all of you! Help me become THIS again!!

Anything is greatly appreciated! Tips, advice, encouragement... ANYTHING!

Haircut!

It was time. Graham has been begging me for some time as he LOVED Averie's haircut when I had it cut as she entered Preschool...

GOSH! She is the cutest thing EVER!

Then I had another realization while looking for a "before" picture for this entry... when I went looking for one, realized that Averie almost NEVER had her hair down. It is ALWAYS up - hence, the need for something new... so a repeat picture is the best I have for "before"...

But here it is...

While we were in Olympia this past weekend, I decided it might be nice nice to take advantage of Grandma's hairstylist skills & get Averie (and myself) - trimmed & tidied up a bit...

Here is Grandma working her magic & all the hair that was cut...

Here she is right after... but not styled...

Here's a couple to give a better idea with it styled...
CUTE CUTE CUTE!!!

Thank you Grandma!

Oh! And my haircut...

Tidied & shortened the layers as I hadn't had it cut since I STARTED growing it out... eesh!
I still want to get some color done & the layers will help a lot as I recover from "postnatal MOLTING!" lol
Not all the way there but a definite improvement... thanks again, Mom!

All Aboard!! It's Train Day!!

I admit it. I can be a bit of a crazy mom sometimes. When my kids show a real interest in something, especially if it's something that is within my capabilities to provide, I get immeasurable joy from helping them experience things & create memories with them.

Therefore, due to Evan's current obsession (click HERE for a reminder) & to the fact that my sister has raised 2 train obsessed boys (& knows all the cool train stuff), I took my 3 kids & headed south to Olympia on Friday right after I picked up Averie from school to spend the weekend & dedicate Saturday to my son's current love... trains.

The day was to unfold like this:
9am - leave Olympia & head north to Tacoma (about 40 minutes) for the Maritime Fest, but most importantly the Tacoma Rail Open House .
12pm - leave Tacoma & head south, past Olympia to Chehalis to visit the Chehalis-Centralia Railroad & Museum. Most importantly, for the steam locomotive being operated there & providing rides!
2pm - back to Olympia for Percival Play Day - a family day at Percival Landing Party, full of free fun - bounce houses, tumbling buses, toy making, treats, etc - They even had custom fit bike helmets to be purchased for FIVE dollars!!

The day went off without a hitch! Couldn't have gone better. We arrived in Tacoma & were able to immediately board the first guided train ride around the tideflats of the morning... didn't even wait in line! We had a fantastic time touring the facility & getting to see the trains close up. A train club had incredible electric train sets set up & Tacoma Rail gave out amazing FREE loot bags to each of the kids, which contained ALL of the following: A slinky, a pen, a pencil, a lanyard, a pin, a frisbee, a t-shirt & a cardboard engineers' hat. Awesome!

We left Tacoma & headed south to Chehalis (about a 50 minute drive) during which the kids were entertained by the on-board DVD player & "Thomas & the Magic Railroad".

Once again, we arrived in Chehalis & were able to board the steam train immediately- it took us on a 30 minute train ride & left with in 5 minutes of us boarding. Once again, no line-up & we had the coach pretty much to ourselves.

And to top it all off... the entire day cost me a total of... $8!!!

Here is a slideshow of our great adventure...

Our Little Contortionist

Here she is... our little contortionist :)

I had an interesting revelation a few weeks ago. I was holding my cousin's adorable baby who is just 6 weeks older than Brynlea, & I laid her on the ground in front of me... she immediately flipped over onto her tummy & started kicking her feet eager to be on the move. SO cute!

But suddenly it occurred to me, that NONE of my children have done that! Hence, my first 2 were late crawlers (Averie at 9 months, Evan not until 10 1/2 months). They all have the ability to do it... these just choose not too. They roll side to side... but don't opt to roll all the way over... yet they still manage to get around... sooner than most crawlers actually. Instead they do what we refer to as the "Backwards Inchworm" - Brynlea, however, gets the highest back arch of all my kids while performing this maneuver. It's pretty impressive!

Here's the front view... she especially does it when she's trying to look at something. Here, she got interested in the camera.

Do they get ANY cuter than this?! What a little angel!!

Here she is in action!!

That is just NOT fair!!

I had done the unthinkable...
I sent my first-born off into the world... well, to Kindergarten... We were even into the swing of things... & I had done what I thought was not do-able (by me anyway)... I didn't shed a single tear! I'm not really sure why not... those of you who know me well (and most of you do) know it isn't exactly difficult to make me cry. Heck, if I listen to the country music station for more than 20 minutes, I will have welled up at least once!

I don't know if it was the time-crunch, or just the fact that I KNOW she is totally ready , but I just felt excited for her... maybe it's because I have a little baby, so I don't really long for her to still be that way...

BUT...
I was dutifully going through her backpack today - you know, the FORESTS-worth of paper that comes home daily from teacher, school, community, etc, etc... and in the bottom of her backpack was a folded piece of yellow paper & on the outside it said, "For My Mom".

I opened it & read the following story...

Thoughts At The Bottom of a Beanstalk

Once upon a time there was a little boy named Jack who was about to climb his very first beanstalk. He had a fresh haircut & a brand new book bag.

Even though his friends in the neighborhood had climbed this same beanstalk almost every day last year, this was Jack's first day & he was a little nervous. So was his mother.

Early in the morning she brought him to the foot of the beanstalk. She talked encouragingly to Jack about all the fun he would have that day & how nice his giant would be. She reassured him that she would be back to pick him up at the end of the day. For a moment they stood together, silently holding hands, gazing up at the beanstalk. To Jack it seemed much bigger than it had when his mother had pointed it out on the way to the store last week. His mother thought it looked big, too. She swallowed. Maybe she should have held Jack out a year...

Jack's mother straightened his shirt one last time, patted his shoulder & smiled down at him. She promised to stay & wave while he started climbing. Jack didn't say a word.

He walked forward, grabbed a low-growing stem & slowly pulled himself up to the first leaf. He balanced there for a moment & then climbed more eagerly to the second leaf, then to the third & soon he had vanished into a high tangle of leaves & stems with never a backward glance at this mother.

She stood alone at the bottom of the beanstalk, gazing up at the spot where Jack had disappeared. There was no rustle, no movement, no sound to indicate that he was anywhere inside.

"Sometimes," she thought, "it's harder to be the one who waves good-bye than it is to be the one who climbs the beanstalk."

She wondered how Jack would do. Would he miss her? How would he behave? Did his giant understand that little boys sometimes acted silly when they felt unsure? She fought down an urge to spring up the stalk after Jack & maybe duck behind a bean to take a peek at how he was doing.

"I'd better not. What if he saw me?" She knew Jack was really old enough to handle this on his own. She reminded herself that, after all this was thought to be an excellent beanstalk & that everyone said his giant was not only kind but had outstanding qualifications.

"It's not so much that I'm worried about him," she thought, rubbing the back of her neck. "It's just that he's growing up & I'm going to miss him."

Jack's mother turned to leave. "Jack's going to have lots of bigger beanstalks to climb in his life," she told herself. "Today's the day he starts practicing for them... and today's the day I get to start practicing too: cheering him on & waving goodbye."

A cute story for sure, but now... you tell me... How fair was THAT?!

Needless to say, my tear-less letting go came to an abrupt end!

I miss my little girl! :(

Evan's favorite thing...

Evan is OBSESSED with trains! Thomas & friends in particular, but any train will do. He asks us at least 10 times a day about buying more trains and/or track for his ever growing collection.

We plan to take him on a VERY special "train day" soon... stay tuned for a post on that one.

For now, here is him performing the song he sings all day & is his request for his "bedtime song" EVERY day!! (Please ignore my untidy house... it was laundry day :P)

Super cute!!

TGIF

I made it through! Graham's first week back to work... Averie's first week of kindergarten... Evan's first week of preschool... the "slow entry" for both & all the chaos that throws into our lives...

As usual, chaos in our lives translates into chaos in my home. What a disaster area!! Hopefully the routine of next, and coming weeks will help me get a handle on things...

However, I'm entering my busiest season for photography... family portrait season. My bookings are filling up surprisingly quickly this year. It's a little overwhelming & I feel SO grateful. I have never "officially" advertised my photography & yet have managed to start a small business all on my own (with the help of many loyal friends/customers). The word of mouth advertising has been priceless from them. I feel completely inadequate sometimes (don't we all!) & can even get defeated as I am such a perfectionist of my own work, I have a tendency to beat myself up pretty bad if things aren't the way I thought they should be... but I am still learning & evolving myself.

I will have to learn to divide my time more appropriately. I get the sneaking suspicion after this week, that time between now & Christmas is going to FLY by for us. I need to try & stay on top of things.

Thank goodness I have such an understanding & patient husband!

Evan's first day...

Man! September is such an emotional roller coaster in the Mom department.

Today was Evan's first day at preschool & he was on his own for 1 hour (next time it will be a full class) - he did awesome! As much as I sometimes can get to feeling "un-needed" by my independent & easy-to-adjust children. It sure is nice to be able to leave knowing he is perfectly happy to stay there.

Here's a fun little show of his big day!

It's done!

For all of you itching for it's completion, I have finally managed to post the slide show for Evan's birthday post. See it HERE.

Averie's first day...

First let me make this perfectly clear... I am NOT A MORNING PERSON! I have spent much of my life wishing I was, but in recent years have just resigned myself to this fact. I CAN get up early, but it is a BIG struggle for me. Only understanding this fact can help you understand how much I love my family...

The day started very early... around 6:15am. As Graham is a teacher it is also a "first day back" for him. A goal I have, & memory I want for my children is for them to get their absolute favorite breakfast the morning of their first day back at school... no matter the sacrifice in the sleep department for me :)

This year the request was... blueberries pancakes (made with fresh blueberries & with REAL maple syrup) YUMMY!!

With "slow entry" to kindergarten, Averie's ACTUAL first day was yesterday, but it was just a brief orientation for parents (& kids) from both morning & afternoon classes. There wasn't any time spent in the classroom or anything. So, we consider today her "official" first day...

Averie in the entryway at her school

Today was 1 hour long with 4 other classmates to "adjust " to the whole school thing...

Here she is outside her classroom by herself & with her classmates - being greeted by her teacher, Ms. C.

The pictures never end!! :) Ms.C wanted a picture of her, too for use in the classroom...

First things first - she was to find her hook in the coat room, find a classroom book to take home & "sign in " to her own special book...

Finding a book..... and "signing in"

Then there was "teacher time" as Ms.C called it - a brief interview to see where Averie is "at" in her learning. She was asked to recite the alphabet, start at 1 & count as high as she could (30). was shown a dice for a brief second & asked what number it was (after it was gone) - & got that one correct everytime! - and given a simple word math problem...



What a big girl! I was so proud as she used her manners, listened well, & learned the new routine very quickly. She'll be on her own on friday...
I think that's when I'll get emotional...

Might as well... JUMP!

We decided it was about time to bust out the Jolly Jumper for Brynlea. She's hit the age where she wants to be upright most of the time & our arms pay the price!

It took her a couple minutes, but she figured it out & LOVED it! She loved the fact that she could turn & look out the window, or turn back & watch TV... and jumped like crazy! Her first tiny taste of freedom, I suppose. Got herself really good & tuckered out for nap :)

Here's a video clip... I may replace it with a better quality one... but it'll give the idea of how CUTE she is anyway :) Our little ballerina!