"CHEESE!"

As a photographer, doing portraits of my own children can pose some unique challenges.

Heck, it is BEYOND frustrating!

I can get anyone else's children to smile, laugh, look at me, be cute, etc... but my own?? Let's just say... We do eventually manage to get the cute pictures, but "Scary Mommy" has been known to rear her ugly head from time to time (ok. pretty much every time.)

I have come up with solutions to many of our picture taking dilemmas & have honed my photoshop skills enough to even do our own family portrait (see the family picture on this page). Believe it or not, I did it with the timer & a few hours of photo shopping :)

There are somethings you don't have a choice but to pay other people to do.

Like the Santa picture...

Being a creative person has an element of a controlling nature to it. I know this. I can admit it. I want our pictures done MY way.

THIS does not help alleviate my concerns about letting other people do my pictures:

Click on picture for closer look...

Are you KIDDING me?! I paid $9 for THIS?!

I have cute kids, it doesn't take much for them to look decent. Surprisingly, Brynlea wasn't even crying... and this is what I get.

Oh well, it is a memory, I suppose *letting go, letting go* sigh...

Husband Tag - I'm it

-What is your husband's name? Graham Stephen

-How long have you guys been married? 6 1/2 years

-How long did you date? dated for 4 months, engaged for 4 months - 8 months total

This pic was taken at the PNE on one of our first dates

-How old is he? 29 until February

-Who is taller? Graham - more than he looks - he has terrible posture! :)

-Who can sing the best? My voice is more "trained" than his but he has a very nice singing voice.

-Who is smarter? He has more formal education than me - DEFINITELY knows more about the computer than me, but I know more about children, household running (bills, insurance, etc) - I would say we're pretty even in this regard.

-Who pays the bills? Me. But it comes out of our joint account & is often discussed at length by both of us - he knows what is happening when it comes to the bills - I just do the actual task.

-Who does the laundry? Me - unless it is a desperate & unusual circumstance & then there are many detailed instructions. This has gone BAD in the past! lol

-Who sleeps on the right side of the bed? I do. Lying in bed, I'm on the right. Graham's on the left. This is the way is has usually been - we have switched when necessary as I need to be closest to the door - first contact for wayward children :) But it is usually me on the right.

-Who mows the lawn? Graham - but honestly, our backyard is more of a "mudhole" which doesn't require much mowing & the front is shared with our neighbor who's teenage son usually gets to it before us. So, really neither of us at the moment.

-Who cooks dinner? haha! I am just at the end of my busiest photography season so we have eaten take-out WAY more than usual, or than we like to. I often cook dinner, but Graham is always open to helping me with this.

-Who is the first to admit when they're wrong? Definitely Graham. First to apologize, too.

-Who kissed who first? It was one of those PAINFULLY long drawn out moments. You both know it's going to happen but it was taking FOREVER... I caved first. So me, I guess.

-Who wears the pants? There is give & take in this department. I tend to be more rigid about my opinions but Graham is no push over. In fact, sometimes I think he knows me so well that he manages to win, while letting me think I won. lol

What a man :)

I tag Krista K., Alana & Angie :)

H2O Woes

An interesting thing happened to me today...

Due to a plumbing issue within our complex - our water was cut off...
without a word of warning.
At 10am this morning.

We thankfully had already eaten breakfast - including Brynlea who had enjoyed her baby cereal.

I had sorted my laundry, loaded my dishwasher & planned to turn them both on after I filled the bath to bathe my children. I went to turn on the bathwater and... nothing.

It took me a minute & running around to different taps in the house to clue in what had happened (opening the front door & seeing the giant plumbing truck there & a guy with a jack hammer confirmed things) - what can I say? Not always the quickest on the up-take these days :)

I was SO angry!! I stormed out there & tore a strip off the plumber who passed the buck... claimed it was up to the management of the complex if/how we were alerted.

Be that as it may, I now had a young baby who was very eager for her bottle & no way to get her one. It was a bit of a rude awakening how unprepared we are to have our everyday comforts removed - even temporarily. How much we take for granted that we go to the tap... and we have water - in our fortunate case, even clean, fresh & safe water...

One simple thing - and it completely messed up my day! Averie was late for school since I had to take them out to get something to eat - we had no bread so nothing I could make without water.

Brynlea screamed for close to an hour & a half before I could get us ready & out the door to somewhere we could get water for a bottle - ya, THAT'S not frazzling on the nerves at ALL!

No baths, no dishes done, no clean laundry - I couldn't even brush my teeth!! Good thing I had some gum! And I showered last night :)

All because of one simple thing that I take for granted at least 100 times a day.

My inconvenience was short-lived. By the time anyone returned back home from our usual crazy afternoon errands, the water had returned.

Now I feel blessed. To live where I do, to have access to all that makes my life easier.
I feel much more urgent about being prepared for such an event in the future... for whatever the reason....

And I am grateful for indoor plumbing!!

I love water!!

Squished

That little sweetie is my Averie at about 3mths old - and she is a great visual for how I am feeling at the moment.

We have outgrown our current digs...
(urban dictionary: "digs: home, place of residence, crib... "My brother just moved to new digs across town.") Yo.

We are literally filled to capacity. I have been hoping that our next move would be to a home we had purchased, but it is appearing that my sanity may not be able to hang on for that goal. I can't STAND it!!

In the many hours sat pondering the dilemma of how to make everything fit in the situation we find ourselves in, I have whittled it down to 5 major problems:

In no particular order:
1) no garage - my husband is a scout & youth leader for the young men in our church & our current church building is also at max capacity (4 congregations meet there during different overlapping times every Sunday) leaving no storage at the building for all of the MANY camping supplies, etc that this requires - it (or a large portion of it) ends up at our place

I am a self-employed photographer - all of the items needed for running my business are increasing & getting larger.

My husband is a teacher - the budget given teachers now is umm... well, nothing. Therefore, all of his teaching aids, etc - are purchased & stored for future use by us.

I can see you're starting to get the idea now...

2) No playroom/2nd gathering space - we have 1 VERY small living room/dining room - no other gathering space. And TINY bedrooms.

Having people over is almost impossible.

The toys have TAKEN. OVER. MY. LIFE. Literally. Our coffee table is a train table. There is almost no room for our kids to play inside & Brynlea rarely gets much time to crawl around for the same reason.

3) 3 bedrooms & 2 bathrooms in 1050 square feet.

4) THREE bedrooms & TWO bathrooms in 1050 square feet.

5) THREE BEDROOMS & TWO BATHROOMS IN 1050 SQUARE FEET!!!!!

I don't know what I'm going to do about it - but I have to do SOMETHING. I'm dyin' of claustrophobia here!

The Girl Disease

After reading a friend's blog this morning, I feel the need, out of love & concern for her & all my girlfriends, to vent somewhat.

She has 3 little ones & is in the process of a divorce after her husband was unfaithful. I respectfully (I hope you don't mind!) copy her words (though with editing to hide her identity better):

I have a pretty smart sister. Once.. I think it was last week.. we were on the phone, catching up and talking like we do.

L: Do you think it's possible that we teach people how to treat us?
Me: NO!! At least, I hope we don't. I don't think I taught (C) to treat me like he did. I don't think so, no.

And we dropped the conversation.

Fast forward to last night, when (C) and I were chatting. We talked about the way we were, what went wrong-- the inevitable talks that really don't help in any way. But, it's kinda cathartic, so I subject myself to it willingly.

We spoke of morals, of guilt, of learning from mistakes.. And then, I had an A-HA moment. I DID treat (C) how to treat me.

Here's why:
When we were dating, he cheated on me once. We were dating, he felt that I was leaving him since I was moving to another province, and cheated. I'm the ONLY person he's ever cheated on. When he told me, we talked a long time about it. What it meant to the 'US', what it meant to him and me personally. I told him about (B), the only boyfriend I cheated on. I told him how much it broke my heart to have done that to him, and how it was the biggest mistake I ever made. How, in that moment, I wished (B) would have forgiven me and given me a second chance. He didn't. I vowed to NEVER cheat again, and vowed that, if it so be the case, I would forgive someone who cheats on me. But only once.

Maybe that's dumb to you. But I know what I felt being on the other end, and knew that I wanted to never make someone feel that way.

BUT...

By (B) not forgiving me, he helped me. He showed me that it's not okay. That he deserved better. And I learned that I NEVER wanted to do that again. And I never have.

I robbed (C) of that experience by forgiving him the first time. I TAUGHT him that it's okay to do that to me, because it was okay the first time. I taught him that. I sat there, telling him about this lightbulb moment, and we fell silent in thought, looking at each other. I taught him that it was okay to treat me like that.

THIS is what I refer to as the "Girl Disease".

Don't get me wrong, I absolutely believe in forgiveness. Without it there can be no healing. BUT I think we have also confused the definition of forgiveness. You can forgive someone without allowing them the continued access to hurt again.

The problem is two fold:
1) Self-esteem: we either don't believe we deserve better, or we simply don't know WHAT we deserve because we don't take the time to KNOW ourselves (our boundaries, etc) before we begin letting people get close to us. Where they can really hurt us. I am not just talking about boys here either - all of us can think back to that manipulative girlfriend in grade school or high school that taught us if we wanted friends, we needed to just follow the status quo. Better not demand anything of other people, or I will end up on the losing end. Never - "I will make new & better friends". Why doesn't THAT thought enter our heads??
2) We don't understand that we TEACH people who have access to us this way by our actions (& OUR IN-ACTIONS!) how they are allowed to treat us!! This does NOT mean that it is OK for people to treat us badly - they are still wrong for that. The person who trusted & was hurt IS never wrong for having trusted - the person who broke the trust is definitely at fault. HOWEVER, there is the old saying, "Fool me once shame on you, fool me twice, shame on me." And this adage says a LOT. We are here to LEARN lessons... lessons not learned are doomed to be repeated UNTIL learned. Therefore, a cheater is a cheater because s/he is ALLOWED to do it!! Human beings DO eventually stop banging their head against the proverbial brick wall & long as THEY KEEP HITTING IT!
We will continue to be mistreated by people we let close to us unless we learn to ESTABLISH and MAINTAIN boundaries!! There are "deal breakers" - choices that are character changing & make us (or those we love) fundamentally different people than the ones we fell in love with.

Obviously, each situation is different. In my friends case, I know her FAR better than her husband, so my loyalties, of course, lie with her.
I do fear for her though. She & her ex have established GREAT boundaries now. They have even managed to maintain a friendship which is SO healthy for her children. I fear if she were to give her husband another chance it would in essence be the "nail in the coffin" of her ability to set & maintain boundaries with him. He will have been taught that there is NOTHING he can't get her back from... even filing for divorce.

And the next hurt (which undoubtedly would come, it is what he has learned, after all) would be HORRIBLY traumatic. It would most likely make her hate him - therefore, making a cohesive relationship for their children near impossible & make her that much more "damaged" for trying to find love from someone who would wish to treat her so much better.

This post is not JUST about this friend. I have SO many girlfriends in relationships like this with husbands, boyfriends, GIRLfriends, sisters, parents, parents-in-laws.... etc etc.

We have to learn to open our mouths, Girls!! Healthy relationships come from healthy boundaries. Is it possible to implement boudaries in a relationship that is out of control? Or repair one where boundaries have been broken? I honestly don't know. I have never been successful at it. Goodness knows I've tried. I've clung onto relationships that were never really very good for either person involved... not sure why... no one wants to be alone I guess.

But one thing I KNOW...
The fear of being alone is WAY worse than the STATE of being alone. When we know ourselves... our worth, not just because we are great people, but because we are children of God.... when we TRULY know this; then it only seems right to expect more of the people we let into our hearts.

I'm eager to hear your opinions on the subject :)

Day 3 - Made a BIG Mistake

I have spent the last 3 days (well, 2 & a bit) in the worst part of the sugar withdrawal. Pretty sure I'm over the worst of it now. I will begin the exercise part of my plan on Monday... once the "drags" of withdrawal have subsided a bit.

To give you a better idea of what I deal with EVERY time I attempt this type of thing (unless I'm pregnant). Here is a write up of my last couple days:

Day 1:
Breakfast - low-carb shake blended with 6 frozen strawberries & half a cup of ice.
Lunch - see breakfast
Dinner - not the BEST choice - we had pizza, but I only had 1 1/2 pieces & a glass of diet pop.

I was extra careful to take my multi vitamin & Omega-3 supplement (suppose to help with IR).
My symptoms were: a sense of "dragging" all day - sort of that feeling like when you are coming down with something; the brain fires the signals for the action, but the body is just a split second behind in reacting. I was on the edge of a headache all day, but it didn't really turn into one... and CRABBY!!

Day 2:
Breakfast & Lunch same as Day 1
Dinner - we had the missionaries from our church over - did Hamburgers on the BBQ - I had 1. Brownies & ice cream for dessert - had VERY small portion.

I actually GOT the headache. Battled it all day. Same dragging feeling, though with moments of relief. The cravings have kicked in now. ALL I can think about is food. Namely, BAD food... slurpees, Frosty's, chocolate, french fries... but I went to Costco for some much needed groceries & didn't buy ANYTHING bad (except ice cream - see dinner above)... even got some chicken strips & fries for my kids & didn't sneak ANY. What a good girl :)

Day 3 - Today.
Got up this morning & made the BIG mistake.

I stepped on the scale.

I know this is unwise in the first weeks from past experience as my body goes into starvation mode & does some wonky things - I was still unprepared for what I saw...

I GAINED 3lbs.

HOW IS THAT POSSIBLE?!

So now I really am in a bad way. I totally want to give up.

The only thing keeping me going is that I have a doctors appointment on Tuesday & this is all fuel to give him as to why the super simplistic answer of "diet & exercise" just isn't good enough.

So, the battle rages on.

This sucks.

Here we go again...

Okay, if any of you who follow this blog, love me at all, this post will be followed with TONNES of fantastically encouraging comments. I NEED you!! Since I am going to be sharing things I have a REALLY hard time talking about...

Let me start with this....
I am Insulin Resistant (also known as metabolic syndrome). My diagnosis of this condition is a relatively new development. It happened during my pregnancy with Brynlea. While most people find diagnosis of an incurable (though FAR from debilitating) disorder disheartening... I was ELATED!

Let me explain why... the symptoms that I get include:
#1 - Gestational Diabetes - EVERY pregnancy. I don't even know HOW to be pregnant AND eat sugar... has never happened. It has always been diet controlled, so at least no insulin, but all that finger poking. Ugh. I do feel REALLY good when I'm pregnant though (see #2)

#2 - Bonus from number one - I LOSE weight when I am pregnant. Literally. I usually lose about 10lbs in the first trimester (due to sickness, lack of appetite, stopping eating sugar, etc) & then do not gain ONE pound for the duration of the rest of it... no joking! My prenatal medical files are hilarious! My weight is EXACTLY the same at every appointment. It's a pretty bizarre thing actually... as my belly gets bigger, the rest of me (face, neck, arms, butt) gets skinnier. When I was pregnant with Evan (this may be partly because I heard you burn 10% more calories when pregnant with a boy), one week after he was born, I was THIRTY pounds lighter than I was at my first doctor's appointment when I found out I was pregnant with him.
There are 2 reasons for this:
a) I stop eating sugar. Insulin Resistance is a pre-cursor to type 2 diabetes (it is even called "pre-diabetes" sometimes) so the REALLY short answer is that my body does NOT process glucose properly. For some reason this sacrifice is VERY easy to make when it means the health of my unborn child... when it's just for MY health? Not so much.
b) My metabolism is pretty much non-exsistant. Having 2 people (no matter how small the 2nd is) using the same calories, forces my body to burn calories more efficiently.

#3 - When I am NOT pregnant it is near IMPOSSIBLE for me to lose weight. In fact, I gain weight at a ridiculous pace as soon as baby is born. Part of this is my fault, as I have not yet been able to maintain the "not eating sugar" part of everything when I am not pregnant. The other part is that my metabolism is, well just plain hooped. Let me give you the scenario my diabetic nutritionist gave me:
Say I go on weight watchers & am allowed 1400 calories. I would pretty quickly lose about 5, maybe even 10lbs, but my metabolism would go into "starvation mode" & just keep slowing & slowing until I stopped losing weight - even when I am only eating 1400 calories!! THEN if I happened to have a bad day & eat 1600 calories (STILL under what the average person needs), my body would GRAB onto those extra calories & I would immediately GAIN 2lbs! Even though I was still only eating 1600 calories!!
Now maybe you understand my elation! Imagine how many times I have been on weight watchers with friends, while they all achieved their goals, & I got stuck after 10lbs! Or that summer I worked out FIVE days a week & never lost a SINGLE pound. I actually started to think I was going INSANE! This diagnosis at least gave me something I can work with!

Here are the symptoms as copied from Wikipedia:

1. Fatigue.
2. Brain fogginess and inability to focus. Sometimes the fatigue is physical, but often it is mental. (I get both)
   
3. Low blood sugar. Mild, brief periods of low blood sugar are normal during the day, especially if meals are not eaten on a regular schedule; they are normally raised by mobilization of glucose into the blood from stored glycogen made from blood glucose previously taken by liver cells. Feeling agitated, jittery, moody, nauseous, or having a headache is common in insulin resistance, commonly with rapid relief once food is eaten.
4. Intestinal bloating. Most intestinal gas is produced from carbohydrates in the diet. Insulin resistance sufferers who eat carbohydrates sometimes suffer from gas.
5. Sleepiness. Many people with insulin resistance get sleepy immediately after eating a meal containing more than 20% or 30% carbohydrates.
6. Weight gain, fat storage, difficulty losing weight. For most people, too much weight is too much fat. The fat in IR is generally stored in and around abdominal organs in both males and females. It is currently suspected that hormonal effects from such fat are a precipitating cause of insulin resistance.
7. Increased blood triglyceride levels.
8. Increased blood pressure. Many people with hypertension are either diabetic or pre-diabetic and have elevated insulin levels due to insulin resistance. One of insulin's effects is on arterial walls throughout the body. (I do not have this one - I actually have naturally LOW blood pressure)
   
9. Depression. Because of the deranged metabolism resulting from insulin resistance, psychological effects are not uncommon. Depression is said to be the prevalent psychological symptom.

So, now that you have your education let me continue :)

Brynlea will be 6 months old on saturday. I have packed it in with nursing (the mind is willing - but the body just ISN'T cooperating this time) & I got up the guts to step on the scale this morning. I am back to my pre-pregnancy weight. For most people, this is a good thing. For me? It means I've GAINED back the 20+ pounds I lost during my pregnancy with her. This also means I am back to my record HIGHEST weight. No, I can't go so far as to actually disclose it. I can hardly STOMACHE it!

And so I am embarking on yet another attempt to get back to my once spunky, svelt self. I do at least have a better idea of what will work (no shortcuts for me), but now to get the motivation.
I have an intense battle to fight... primarily against the above #s - 1,2,5 & 9 - how do I get motivated with all these strikes against me?!

SO I am going to try & use this as an outlet for frustration, an anvenue for praising my successes & overall to get SUPPORT!!

I am begging all of you! Help me become THIS again!!

Anything is greatly appreciated! Tips, advice, encouragement... ANYTHING!

Mom's Losin' it!!

My children are bored... I'm bored.... Daddy's out of town, the weather has taken a turn for the worse & the pent-up energy is starting to rear it's ugly head...

When my children get bored, especially my son, they tend to get physical. Basically, a wrestling ring erupts out of the floor in my living room...


Some of Evan's classic "take downs"



Now normally I don't mind this sort of thing, except that it almost always ends up with one or both of them crying. A poked eye... 2 bonked heads... quite frequently accidental, but Averie does have a tendency to tire of it faster than Evan & this can cause conflict as well...

I, in an attempt to keep my own bored brain occupied, am attempting to complete some much needed photo-editing for my photography business - but quickly remembering why I usually do this while Graham is home and/or my children are in bed.

Patience is running thin... it could be a LOOOOOONG 2 days....

Serenity now.... serenity now... :)