As you may recall, Averie attends a school that requires uniforms. Therefore, the PAC committee runs a consignment store out of a tiny room in the school - it sells new stuff from their "official" uniform provider & all the "crested" items that you couldn't get just anywhere - as well as used stuff on consignment. So Averie is very keen on getting a crested cardigan & my MIL generously donated the funds to get one. The only problem is the consignment store is only open a couple of times a month. Yesterday was one of those days.
So, we headed to the little room after I picked her up from school - Brynlea in my arms, Evan in tow. At the back of the tiny room is a small "toy area" where they have set up some donated toys that kids can play with while Mom shops. Averie & Evan headed back there, where maybe 3 other children were already playing. There was about 3 women from the PAC committee in there helping people with orders/purchases. I turned to look at the kids (they had been over there for less than a minute) & there was a little boy (I'm going to guess somewhere between 2 & 3 years old) with his hands on Averie's cheeks. I noticed her face was concerned & then realized he was pinching her cheeks. When he let go, she turned & looked at me. I said, "Are you ok?" She immediately started crying & ran over to me. One of the other women said, "What happened?" & an older boy that was over there said, "Jack pinched her face." Now, I wasn't making a big deal out of it & honestly, thought Averie was carrying on a little (she can be tired & overly emotional after school).
Apparently, "Jack's" Mom wasn't in the room at the time, she had left to go do something else in the school. One of the other women told him to apologize & he came over attempted to say sorry. I pretty much brushed it off.
A couple of minutes later (Averie wasn't crying anymore) - it was our "turn" to get them to grab what I wanted to purchase. I wasn't sure what size cardigan we needed so they pulled out a couple sizes for her to try. When she turned to the side to put her arm in the sleeve, I suddenly saw this:
I believe I said something like, "Oh my gosh!" And turned her to the other side, where I saw THIS:
I was DUMBFOUNDED!! This was a COMPLETELY unprovoked attack (Averie hadn't even TOUCHED the toys when it happened) by a complete stranger! I couldn't believe it!
The child's mom had returned by this time & when she heard me exclaim, she came over & was shocked also when she saw the damage. She brought "Jack" over to see it & pointed out to him what he had done & how it hurt, etc. She was obviously flustered & embarassed (who wouldn't be?) & exclaimed, "I don't know why he keeps doing this! The past few weeks he has been SO aggressive."
Pardon me?? "KEEPS?" As in: he does this frequently??? This is when my mom rage started bubbling up. I was cordial as she apologized profusely, got our stuff & left.
I don't want to be one of those mothers who is like, "MY kids would never do that!" I know my children aren't perfect by any stretch BUT... my children would NEVER do that!! They would never attack a child they didn't know with that kind of aggression for no reason! Maybe I just have very mild children, I don't know, but I found it rather shocking.
This whole situation bothers me for 2 reasons:
1) I never know how to deal with a situation like this. My immediate reation is to be polite. To appease the flustered embarassment of the mom as I CAN understand how mortifiying it would be. I feel however, that I am then undermining the fact that my child was hurt IN FRONT of her. I mean, what happened to her was WRONG - completely! By me sort of making light of it with the Mom, am I teaching Averie to just let things like that go?
When we got to the van, I made a BIG stink about how naughty that had been for that boy to do that & how shocked & surprised I was that he would do that... but is that enough? Shouldn't she see me do that right away??
2) When I looked over there & the boy was obviously REALLY hurting her - she was just STANDING there! She didn't say anything or do ANYTHING until I asked her if she was ok! I am sure she was in shock as much as any of us were, but when I realized how MUCH he had hurt her, I couldn't believe she just TOOK it!
The rest of our conversation in the van had to do with this type of problem solving. That if someone is hurting you, you CAN push them away, or yell at them, "THAT HURTS ME!" etc, & I had her practice some of the things she could say.
It really upset me to think she had been hurt like that & just stood there! I know it has to do with the differences between her & my personalities (I would NEVER just stand there - he probably would've gotten a black eye or something!) - in general, I LOVE that Averie has such an easy going, even tempered personality, but when I see something like that it worries me. I want to teach my kids (especially my girls) that there is a DIFEERENCE between being mean & being assertive. As in, you CAN be nice AND assertive. And it is not unkind to require people to treat you a certain way (as in treat you WELL).
I just hope our conversation in the van helped...
So, my question to you is - how would YOU deal with this situation? How do you think a situation like this SHOULD be handled?
What is more important - the feelings of the mother, being polite, or your child who is a victim?? I'm not sure on this one.
I sure am still sick about it EVERY time I see Averie's face!
The child's mom had returned by this time & when she heard me exclaim, she came over & was shocked also when she saw the damage. She brought "Jack" over to see it & pointed out to him what he had done & how it hurt, etc. She was obviously flustered & embarassed (who wouldn't be?) & exclaimed, "I don't know why he keeps doing this! The past few weeks he has been SO aggressive."
Pardon me?? "KEEPS?" As in: he does this frequently??? This is when my mom rage started bubbling up. I was cordial as she apologized profusely, got our stuff & left.
I don't want to be one of those mothers who is like, "MY kids would never do that!" I know my children aren't perfect by any stretch BUT... my children would NEVER do that!! They would never attack a child they didn't know with that kind of aggression for no reason! Maybe I just have very mild children, I don't know, but I found it rather shocking.
This whole situation bothers me for 2 reasons:
1) I never know how to deal with a situation like this. My immediate reation is to be polite. To appease the flustered embarassment of the mom as I CAN understand how mortifiying it would be. I feel however, that I am then undermining the fact that my child was hurt IN FRONT of her. I mean, what happened to her was WRONG - completely! By me sort of making light of it with the Mom, am I teaching Averie to just let things like that go?
When we got to the van, I made a BIG stink about how naughty that had been for that boy to do that & how shocked & surprised I was that he would do that... but is that enough? Shouldn't she see me do that right away??
2) When I looked over there & the boy was obviously REALLY hurting her - she was just STANDING there! She didn't say anything or do ANYTHING until I asked her if she was ok! I am sure she was in shock as much as any of us were, but when I realized how MUCH he had hurt her, I couldn't believe she just TOOK it!
The rest of our conversation in the van had to do with this type of problem solving. That if someone is hurting you, you CAN push them away, or yell at them, "THAT HURTS ME!" etc, & I had her practice some of the things she could say.
It really upset me to think she had been hurt like that & just stood there! I know it has to do with the differences between her & my personalities (I would NEVER just stand there - he probably would've gotten a black eye or something!) - in general, I LOVE that Averie has such an easy going, even tempered personality, but when I see something like that it worries me. I want to teach my kids (especially my girls) that there is a DIFEERENCE between being mean & being assertive. As in, you CAN be nice AND assertive. And it is not unkind to require people to treat you a certain way (as in treat you WELL).
I just hope our conversation in the van helped...
So, my question to you is - how would YOU deal with this situation? How do you think a situation like this SHOULD be handled?
What is more important - the feelings of the mother, being polite, or your child who is a victim?? I'm not sure on this one.
I sure am still sick about it EVERY time I see Averie's face!
3 comments:
Hi Erin,
Reading your blog got me all flustered. ARGH. OK my two cents:
- If that happened to me, and I witnessed someone else's kid hurting my kid, I would have immediatly walked over to the kid and told him right then and there, that his behavior is un-called for and inappropriate. If the mother witnesses me chastising, I would have explained why right to her.
Oh man, my gut hurts just thinking about that.
I believe that it takes a community to raise a child...so if the mother isn't around, as long as you aren't hurting the child, and the child is clearly mis-behaving, then its ok to correct the child.
erin Im so sorry this happened to your little girl.
Sadly, I know what it is like being the mother of "jack". When my oldest was 2 and even 3 she was very agressive...pushed kids for no reason, hit scratched and yes even bit. It was terrible. I was constanly racking my brain at what I could do. But because I knew she was so agressive I wouldnt leave her side! It was my job as a mother (esp a mother of an agressive child) to be with her AT ALL TIMES to ensure that she was playing well with other children.
this story hits home as once at Mc Donalds play area when Jayna was 2 she badly scratched another child... the mother screamed at jayna and me. I was dumbfounded....so sorry... and ashamed...why was my daughter THAT kid? I cryed then and there...and didnt stop all day! it was the last straw. I took Jayna to the
Dr. And after a process she was diagnosed with moderate to severe hearing loss in both ears. thus she was speach delayed. she was so frustrated she couldnt hear or communicate. Hiting and pushing was her way of saying " I want that toy" and even " I want to play with you". After a few surgerys, speach therapy, and alot off understanding friends Jayna worked through it. Today she is 6...so kind, talks a blue streak and would never hurt another child (aside from her siblings;))
but still when I think back to those days I wanna curl up into a ball and cry!!!!!!
I know thta was long and probalby painful (cause I never proof read). But I wanted to share what I was like for me when i was a mother of "THAT KID"
First, let me say POOR AVERIE! That is a terrible thing to have happen...and secondly POOR ERIN! It's an awful thing to experience that kind of thing happen to your child.
I appreciate your comment Tricia, as you read on you will see how i can relate...and Debbie Jo...I agree that it is okay to correct a child if their mother isn't there to do it, correcting poor behaviour in a Christ-like way is always a good idea.
I personally have had the misfortune of being on BOTH sides of this situation...or maybe it is fortunate considering I understand now what it is like to be both mother's in this situation. It's maternal instinct to react when your child is attacked without provocation. It's hard to understand why some children are so angry and aggressive...and why, when our own child appears to be playing so kindly and gently, does some other kid come along and just disrupt the peace.
It's also hard not to be judgmental of other parents when they maybe don't handle their aggressive kids the same way we would. It's easy for us to stand on the sidelines not knowing any different and say,"well this is how I would've handled it". I'm as guilty of this as the next mom. We truly don't know until we are in those circumstances, how we would handle it...and things are only that much more difficult when it is our child who has been victimized.
My daughter Lily is a major aggressor in our house. She is NO respecter of persons (as some of you may know first hand)...she will yell at, hit, bite, scratch and be rude to ANYONE who she's comfortable enough with. To a complete stranger who doesn't know Lily, they probably shake their heads at her behaviour...they probably say things like,"well if she was my kid this is how I would've handled it". They probably question my abilities as a mother...one thing that I always fear others attributing to Lily's behaviour is the fact that she has 4 other siblings...I've over-produced children and THAT'S why she's so angry. I feel judged, all eyes on me...and I feel helpless when in public because the scrutinizing eyes of other mothers are some of the most painful because of how personal it is.
What these parents who Lily might be a stranger to DON'T know about Lily is that she has Trichophagia. An anxiety disorder which has some symptoms such as hair-eating, anger, aggression, over-emotionalism. Nevermind the fact that she's the "middle-child"...and that is a syndrome all on its own. We have been working with Lily since she was 2 years old to help her to cope with her anxiety, drug-free. To say that we have run into challenges with trying to teach her these things would be an understatement. Jared has given her priesthood blessings, prayers day and night for improvement, inspiration for better discipline, tears upon tears of despair when her anger gets the best of me, days when I have wanted to throw in the towel questioning WHY Heavenly Father ever thought that I could be a good mother to her.
So when things like this happen...it is INEXCUSABLE most definitely. I have no excuses for Lily's behaviour, and I'm sure the mother of the child that hurt Averie didn't have any excuses for her child's behaviour...but there maybe some reason why it happened. Does the mother wish it could have been prevented? I sure hope she does...if it was me I know I would wish I could've prevented my child from doing it. I'll bet you dollars to donuts that the fact that this incident being one of MANY in recent weeks that that Mother probably went home very upset with her child, and upset with herself for not being there to deal with it. There is no guilt on the earth like a mother's guilt.
Erin, I think you handled the situation exactly as you should have. As much as you want to teach Averie to be assertive (and I think that is VERY important, especially for girls), it is also important to teach your children to be forgiving. Being assertive AND forgiving are very important attributes, and I think that is exactly what you taught Averie in how you handled it...you're a great Mom, and if I were you I wouldn't spend any time wondering if you had handled it right...you did the right thing. And Erin, haven't you learned yet that you NEVER say that your child would NEVER do that?!?! You're gonna JINX yourself woman!! It's like saying,"My son hasn't had any 'accidents' in 2 weeks!"...you KNOW what's gonna happen then!! :D
My 2 cents, and that isn't much...but maybe something right? HA! Love ya!
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