She has 3 little ones & is in the process of a divorce after her husband was unfaithful. I respectfully (I hope you don't mind!) copy her words (though with editing to hide her identity better):
I have a pretty smart sister. Once.. I think it was last week.. we were on the phone, catching up and talking like we do.THIS is what I refer to as the "Girl Disease".
L: Do you think it's possible that we teach people how to treat us?
Me: NO!! At least, I hope we don't. I don't think I taught (C) to treat me like he did. I don't think so, no.
And we dropped the conversation.
Fast forward to last night, when (C) and I were chatting. We talked about the way we were, what went wrong-- the inevitable talks that really don't help in any way. But, it's kinda cathartic, so I subject myself to it willingly.
We spoke of morals, of guilt, of learning from mistakes.. And then, I had an A-HA moment. I DID treat (C) how to treat me.
Here's why:
When we were dating, he cheated on me once. We were dating, he felt that I was leaving him since I was moving to another province, and cheated. I'm the ONLY person he's ever cheated on. When he told me, we talked a long time about it. What it meant to the 'US', what it meant to him and me personally. I told him about (B), the only boyfriend I cheated on. I told him how much it broke my heart to have done that to him, and how it was the biggest mistake I ever made. How, in that moment, I wished (B) would have forgiven me and given me a second chance. He didn't. I vowed to NEVER cheat again, and vowed that, if it so be the case, I would forgive someone who cheats on me. But only once.
Maybe that's dumb to you. But I know what I felt being on the other end, and knew that I wanted to never make someone feel that way.
BUT...
By (B) not forgiving me, he helped me. He showed me that it's not okay. That he deserved better. And I learned that I NEVER wanted to do that again. And I never have.
I robbed (C) of that experience by forgiving him the first time. I TAUGHT him that it's okay to do that to me, because it was okay the first time. I taught him that. I sat there, telling him about this lightbulb moment, and we fell silent in thought, looking at each other. I taught him that it was okay to treat me like that.
Don't get me wrong, I absolutely believe in forgiveness. Without it there can be no healing. BUT I think we have also confused the definition of forgiveness. You can forgive someone without allowing them the continued access to hurt again.
The problem is two fold:
1) Self-esteem: we either don't believe we deserve better, or we simply don't know WHAT we deserve because we don't take the time to KNOW ourselves (our boundaries, etc) before we begin letting people get close to us. Where they can really hurt us. I am not just talking about boys here either - all of us can think back to that manipulative girlfriend in grade school or high school that taught us if we wanted friends, we needed to just follow the status quo. Better not demand anything of other people, or I will end up on the losing end. Never - "I will make new & better friends". Why doesn't THAT thought enter our heads??
2) We don't understand that we TEACH people who have access to us this way by our actions (& OUR IN-ACTIONS!) how they are allowed to treat us!! This does NOT mean that it is OK for people to treat us badly - they are still wrong for that. The person who trusted & was hurt IS never wrong for having trusted - the person who broke the trust is definitely at fault. HOWEVER, there is the old saying, "Fool me once shame on you, fool me twice, shame on me." And this adage says a LOT. We are here to LEARN lessons... lessons not learned are doomed to be repeated UNTIL learned. Therefore, a cheater is a cheater because s/he is ALLOWED to do it!! Human beings DO eventually stop banging their head against the proverbial brick wall & long as THEY KEEP HITTING IT!
We will continue to be mistreated by people we let close to us unless we learn to ESTABLISH and MAINTAIN boundaries!! There are "deal breakers" - choices that are character changing & make us (or those we love) fundamentally different people than the ones we fell in love with.
Obviously, each situation is different. In my friends case, I know her FAR better than her husband, so my loyalties, of course, lie with her.
I do fear for her though. She & her ex have established GREAT boundaries now. They have even managed to maintain a friendship which is SO healthy for her children. I fear if she were to give her husband another chance it would in essence be the "nail in the coffin" of her ability to set & maintain boundaries with him. He will have been taught that there is NOTHING he can't get her back from... even filing for divorce.
And the next hurt (which undoubtedly would come, it is what he has learned, after all) would be HORRIBLY traumatic. It would most likely make her hate him - therefore, making a cohesive relationship for their children near impossible & make her that much more "damaged" for trying to find love from someone who would wish to treat her so much better.
This post is not JUST about this friend. I have SO many girlfriends in relationships like this with husbands, boyfriends, GIRLfriends, sisters, parents, parents-in-laws.... etc etc.
We have to learn to open our mouths, Girls!! Healthy relationships come from healthy boundaries. Is it possible to implement boudaries in a relationship that is out of control? Or repair one where boundaries have been broken? I honestly don't know. I have never been successful at it. Goodness knows I've tried. I've clung onto relationships that were never really very good for either person involved... not sure why... no one wants to be alone I guess.
But one thing I KNOW...
The fear of being alone is WAY worse than the STATE of being alone. When we know ourselves... our worth, not just because we are great people, but because we are children of God.... when we TRULY know this; then it only seems right to expect more of the people we let into our hearts.
I'm eager to hear your opinions on the subject :)
3 comments:
I have heard of multiple couples who have worked beyond infidelity to come out on top. If they can make it, because they love each other enough and are setting NEW boundaries, maybe it's not a hopeless cause for your friend and her husband to do the same, in spite of being in the middle of divorce proceedings? I even know of people who've REMARRIED the same person after making the changes necessary.
That being said, we don't know where her self-esteem is, or if she's afraid to be alone. And, from what you posted, it doesn't seem like she wants to take him back anyways.
While it is true that many couples do stay married after discovering an infidelity, it is absolutely imperative that both people in the marriage must be totally committed to making the changes necessary to go on, and believe me, they are never completely the same again. Trust is a very hard thing to earn back. If the husband, when faced with divorce, continues to see others, and does not want to change immediately, I think that the wife who leaves the door open for further hurt is making a grave mistake. If the zebra does not want to lose his stripes - you cannot make him a horse! Loving someone deeply will not make him have the morals he lacks, or the commitment he does not want to give. I do hope that your friend gives serious thought to valuing herself more, and to demanding more of those who have great influence on her children - and to living the best life she can by expecting the best treatment from those she holds dear.
I totally agree on this Erin, we've had this conversation before about how women especially allow this treatment because they don't want to seem like a "B word". Its so true but you have to let people know how to treat you. I dunno if you saw the relief society broadcast but President Uchtdorf(sp?) had the most amazing talk on the difference between men and women and how the sisters of the church undermine their abilities no matter how perfect something may seem there is always something that they feel they can improve on instead of feeling accomplishment for things that they have done. It was truly an inspiring talk if you didn't get to read it and made me feel of the worth of being a wife and mother and most of all a woman. This was a good vent and I wholeheartedly agree with it.
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