Remembering

Today is a strange day for me...

September 29th... specifically Sept.29, 1992.

I was 16 years old - right at the beginning of Grade 11...

my entire world changed in an instant. No, not my whole world - the way I THOUGHT about my world... changed forever.

At approximately 7:45am, my best friend killed himself.

I will spare you the details. I don't wish to go back to that day, in my mind or elsewhere... I have worked through so much about it over the years, but that day was so awful - a nightmare in waking hours - I want only the good memories now.

This day doesn't have the sharp edges it once had. I used to know it was coming & dread it completely. It usually meant a sleepless night... lots of tears... but slowly the pain has subsided.

Some years since, I may be even most of the way through the day before I realize it. A couple of times I woke up the next day & realized I missed it - or rather the significance of it.

Today it affects me for a different reason - today is the 16th anniversary of his death...

He was 16 when he died.

He has officially been dead for as long as he was alive.

It's a strange realization.

While I would NEVER wish to be asked to endure anything like it again, I learned a lot from the experience. Firstly, that I could survive such a loss. I never would have thought it.

* At the time my friend took his life, I was not speaking to him. Our relationship was complicated, like many of the relationships with the title "Guy Best Friend" in my life have been (& there's been quite a few). In my later years, I've discovered more about guys than I knew at 16 & have discovered that guys rarely devote the kind of time he did to me unless their feelings are deeper. At 16 I was naive & oblivious. We had gotten into some silly little argument a few weeks before. While I was entitled to be hurt by what had transpired, I had not matured enough to know how unproductive the "silent treatment" is in resolving any conflict.

He had repeatedly tried to stop me in the hallways at school - had even driven alongside me in his car as I walked home from school, begging me to get in so we could talk - I had stubbornly refused.

It was what made healing from losing him the MOST difficult. I had WASTED my last weeks with him. Then of course there is the guilt - I was his best friend & he OBVIOUSLY needed me - I let my bruised ego take over - could I have contributed to his devastating choice?? This was one of the hardest issues for me to resolve within myself. Sometimes I'm still not entirely sure I'm okay about it.

But this I know... I have tried not to use the silent treatment or hold grudges since. It is NOT worth it.

* As with most cases of teen suicide, his final successful attempt at taking his life was not his first attempt. I knew of 2 other attempts he had made in the months prior to his death - maybe there were more....

But each time he was like a new person - so much intent & purpose - so regretting what he had almost done & promising to NEVER do anything like it again. The "Best Friend" Code meant this was TOP SECRET info. Parents were the enemy after all....

This is my next biggest regret. If I had my time back, I would have gone to his parents IMMEDIATELY after his first attempt. Even if it meant he would have hated me forever. That would have been easier than losing him. Perspectives change...


I went looking for a picture of him before doing this post. I have a scrapbook of memories of my time with him - as well as my journal from the first year after losing him. I couldn't find it. I've packed it away somewhere.
I did find a few pictures on their own though - I have painfully few. It is one of the things that led to my becoming a photographer. You don't get to be someone I'm close to now without having your picture taken :)

I wonder what would have happened to us if our friendship had been allowed to mature to adulthood. Would we have remained close? I have precious few friends from high school that I'm still close with, but he was in that group... I like to think we would have, but no way to know...

Yet he is burned into my heart forever...

Losing him made him more important in the course of my life - than possibly even having him would have been...

It solidified my knowledge of life after death. My religion has many teachings about the subject that I had learned pretty much since birth. But with the loss of my dear friend... believing wasn't enough anymore... I had to KNOW. The years of soul searching following his death helped me to come to a knowledge of truth.

I also came to know that Christ suffered ALL of our afflictions for each of us:

10 And behold, he shall be born of Mary, at Jerusalem which is the land of our forefathers, she being a virgin, a precious and chosen vessel, who shall be overshadowed and conceive by the power of the Holy Ghost, and bring forth a son, yea, even the Son of God.

11 And he shall go forth, suffering pains and afflictions and temptations of every kind; and this that the word might be fulfilled which saith he will take upon him the pains and the sicknesses of his people.

12 And he will take upon him death, that he may loose the bands of death which bind his people; and he will take upon him their infirmities, that his bowels may be filled with mercy, according to the flesh, that he may know according to the flesh how to succor his people according to their infirmities.(Book of Mormon: Alma 7:10-12)

And that He was the only one that could help me heal.

And He has.

I can hardly believe it has been 16 years.

And you know... even after 16 years...
the smell of Obsession (for men) & a leather jacket - takes me right back into one of his hugs... like I had one yesterday. Funny how much smells can do that.

These were taken about a year before he died... we were 15.

Chadwick "Chad" Guy Longman
January 18, 1976 - September 29, 1992